


Beneath a rougher sea

by Naraht



Category: The Charioteer - Mary Renault
Genre: 1940s, Disability, Gen, Hospitals, Post-Dunkirk, World War II
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-20
Updated: 2013-07-20
Packaged: 2017-12-20 19:58:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/891252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Naraht/pseuds/Naraht
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Complete amputation of the little and ring fingers, including the fifth metacarpal, with partial amputation of the middle finger at the proximal interphalangeal joint.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Beneath a rougher sea

He seemed to swim upwards through deep water.

"He should have had X-rays, Nurse." It was a familiar voice, brisk and terribly worried. "Could you find them please?" 

Ralph forced his eyelids open in case he might be wanted for something. It was more difficult than he remembered.

"My dear."

The voice—how strange that he should not have recognised it at first—belonged to Alec. He stood, white-coated, bending over Ralph in bed.

"What the hell are you doing here?" said Ralph.

"I should be asking you. You're in Bridstow Hospital. We got a whole trainload straight from Dover, I was on one of the casualty teams. It was a hell of a shock."

"What…"

Alec put a hand to his shoulder, pressed him gently back into the bed. "Shh. You're well doped on morphine, don't fight it. Where _are_ those X-rays?"

Discreetly, concealed between the sheets of the bed and the folds of his lab coat, Alec took hold of Ralph's hand. His right hand.

His left hand, he remembered, had caused some trouble.... It throbbed now in a distant, ominous way, as though the pain were only beginning to make its entrance.

Someone brought Alec the X-rays he had asked for. Ralph could not quite focus beyond the immediate. Some serious case. Alec squeezed his hand absentmindedly.

"Oh. Yes. Damn. _Damn._ Where's your chart?"

"Don't worry yourself," said Ralph, conscious only that Alec was in some difficulty that he lacked the power to remedy.

For what seemed a long while, there was silence. Alec was still holding his hand.

"You're just out of surgery," said Alec finally. "I don't think it will be your last. Lie still for now, my dear. I'll be in as often as I can; if you want me, they'll buzz for me."

Alec withdrew. Ralph nodded to him as he went. He seemed to hear Alec's voice continuing at a great distance.

"He's a great friend of mine, so look after him, and don't let him get up. He _will_ try."

***

That afternoon the morphine began to wear off and pain closed in, a constant, uncompromising pain that left no room for reflection or memory. Ralph lay in uneasy half-dreams, paying little attention to the procession of medical types passing by. At last he became conscious of a young man in a white coat standing at the foot of the bed, studying him questioningly.

"I'm Sandy," he said.

"It's the left," said Ralph. "Can't you see?"

Heaven help him. One would have thought that the bandages would be a clue.

"Sandy Reid." The young man sat down on a stool and took up Ralph's chart. "Alec's friend."

For the first time since Dunkirk Ralph wondered when he had last washed. He felt like hell; perhaps he should not expect to look any better.

"You have the advantage of me." 

"Oh, no. You're a war hero, I'm just a student. But did he really not...?"

"Of course he mentioned you," said Ralph impatiently.

Sandy was reading the chart with earnest concentration, his lips moving silently.

"Well, what's the verdict?"

Sandy answered promptly and clearly, as if he'd only ever been used to being questioned by instructors. "Complete amputation of the little and ring fingers, including the fifth metacarpal, with partial amputation of the middle finger at the proximal interphalangeal joint."

Even with the jargon it was the first clear answer he'd had from any of them, Alec included. He didn't know what he had expected to hear. Not that.

"Depending on how it heals," Sandy added, "not so bad."

Ralph blew out air through his teeth, masking a wave of pain. "Not so bad?" 

"You should see the others who came in with you."

That was when he remembered.

No, he ought not. He ought not even to think about it. But there was still enough morphine in him that he could not help himself.

"You wouldn't happen," he said, "to have come across a chap called Odell? Leg wound, it was half blown off at the knee."

Sandy pursed his lips thoughtfully. "We have any number of leg wounds. You can take your pick. But really one hardly notices the names."

"A corporal," Ralph persisted. How odd that he should be able to envision those two stripes so clearly, when he still could not recall the precise moment when he had realised his ship was going down. "Red hair... no, not quite, but almost. It was the right leg, if that makes a difference."

"Oh, he wouldn't be here. Only officers and civilians for Bridstow. He might have got shipped off to the E.M.S. hospital, I suppose, but then he could be anywhere. They're sending cases all over the country. Friend of yours?"

Ralph did not like Sandy's tone, at once too casual and too familiar. 

"Hardly that," he said, in a voice calculated to discourage further inquiry. "Just a man I saw on a crossing."

***

Alec came around again the following morning, a stethoscope tucked neatly around his neck. He must have forgot it was there. He moved easily through the hospital, as though it were a perfectly normal place to find oneself. The flare of jealousy that Ralph felt took him utterly by surprise. 

"How are you?" Alec said.

It seemed unwise to answer honestly. 

"I met Sandy."

Alec picked up and then put down the X-ray again. "Sandy. I'll kill him. What did he say?"

"He gave it to me straight."

"I'll murder him," said Alec.

"He's the first person who has," Ralph added.

Their eyes met. Alec looked away first.

"You were up to the eyeballs with morphine yesterday morning," he said, his eyelids flickering rapidly as he stared at the X-ray yet again. "You didn't even know where you were. You wouldn't have taken it well…"

"How do you think I did take it?"

There was a long silence.

"Please don't," said Alec. "I shouldn't even be here."

"You can go if you like."

"That's not fair. I've done what I could."

"Very easy," said Ralph, "when there's nothing to be done."

It was not Alec's fault, he told himself. It was no one's fault except possibly his own. But it made no difference now. Nothing could.

His hand was throbbing. He turned his face away and thought of Odell.

***

 _"But I beneath a rougher sea_  
 _And whelmed in deeper gulfs than he."_  
—William Cowper


End file.
